I can gratefully thank Jesus for having more and more plans for me... as for He is why I am still alive today.
I have encountered so much in life, more than a regular, now 33 year would have. Most people when they hear what I've been going thru medically, they instantly think I am in my late 40's, early 50's. Then with everything else in life as well, both all in my own hands, and in others-I do look ancient. But I AM so thankful I am alive.
They are amazing stories to be able to share. Not dwell upon. My biggest one will always be, to me, how my ex beat me right after my first brain surgery-but had he not, I never would have went running looking for Jesus during all the following chaos in my life. I wouldn't have been popping so many of my Phenobarbital-even while searching for Jesus and jamming hard to what is known as popular Christian music-blasted and screaming it at the top of my lungs driving. Yet, I really was trying to find Jesus-just in a really hurt, and confused way. Numbing that pain of my ex beating me, confusion on what to do with my 1 1/2 year old, life, support, and epilepsy-now addiction. It took my overdosing, near death... to realize there is MORE to life. To ask HIM for help. Give my life to HIM to guide.
All of my brain surgeries will always be amazing in my heart-but the topper was this third and LAST one this past February. It was just amazing. The world whom people I didn't even know were praying. People I barely knew were sending cards, gifts, calling, texting, messaging on Facebook and twitter. Will never be forgotten. God works miracles. Then to have been the amazing-AWAKE brain surgery. Now my neurosurgeon knew, I was one in a million that would go for it, and be right for it. Granted, it took three times for him to realize I was that laid back... but it was very much worth it. And it was amazing to live thru-be awake for, to remember.
Now with having epilepsy, for some odd reason I have been so called "blessed" with the craziest, some times really creepy very long term memory- that I sometimes would like to go in for a fourth brain surgery to have taken out. It isn't just a "thought" it is real--it is true memories-both good and bad- that a remember ALL THE TIME. They just are confirmed by people with normal brain, who are shocked that it comes so easy to me-in full remembrance, when they really have to search their memory logs....which is normal. May sound blissful, can be very aggravating in time!
And with all the times I was living on the edge, I was realizing that I was being "talked" to the whole time by our Lord and Savior-Jesus Christ. Would kindly tap me on the shoulders when doing so wrong. Allow my car to, yes, flip 3 times down a freeway-off to see this guy who kept following me in my life everywhere, to continue a relationship that never should have started.... I was leaving my ex at that time for cheating on me, yes, but hadn't yet completely. And he introduced himself for weeks as "single" .. even change the look of "his" home--until she rolled back into town--then he gave me a low down. And how first he was going to divorce her-then in time showed he was never. And I saw why-she had the perfect job for him. And that was sad. God made sure I didn't get up there when he located me in San Diego-to "tell him, at just lunch, no more visits" cause God knew his plans. And God was right. I called with whiplash-and a completely totaled Tercel-from rolling it 3 times down the 78 freeway. And he was angry I was not making it-as for he thought-even with my prewarning-we'd be making love in the hotel he reserved.
It is times like this that shock-but amaze me. And I sit here today loved by God, and seizure free-from walking close with Him. His plans are in HIS TIME, and are amazing. I have lived so many places where memories stick-and with epilepsy, I love, and connect with music. I used to seize with music at certain times-I no longer do!!! But I will always have deep memories of where I was, what year, what was going on-to all music of all type. And sadly to say-because I love so much music, after my ex beat me, I can recall so many songs that I overdosed to, and so many that I even recall bawling right after he beat me-crying down Killeen's roads I could barely see. The one down side to music, and memory.
Where memory can just be frightening. I am glad I remember all my friends-it just is amazing I remember ever detail of it too-3 times less brain. Kind of gets spooky.
Blessings to you all!!
Heather J Siebens